I Was Convinced I Was a Homosexual Woman - David Bowie Helped Me Discover the Actual Situation

During 2011, a few years before the renowned David Bowie display launched at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I publicly announced a gay woman. Previously, I had solely pursued relationships with men, one of whom I had wed. Two years later, I found myself nearing forty-five, a newly single parent to four children, residing in the America.

During this period, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and romantic inclinations, searching for understanding.

My birthplace was England during the dawn of the seventies era - before the internet. During our youth, my companions and myself lacked access to social platforms or video sharing sites to reference when we had curiosities about intimacy; rather, we looked to celebrity musicians, and in that decade, artists were playing with gender norms.

Annie Lennox sported boys' clothes, The Culture Club frontman wore women's fashion, and pop groups such as well-known groups featured members who were openly gay.

I desired his slender frame and precise cut, his angular jaw and flat chest. I wanted to embody the Bowie's Berlin period

In that decade, I lived driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I returned to femininity when I decided to wed. My husband moved our family to the US in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an irresistible pull revisiting the masculinity I had once given up.

Since nobody challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to devote an open day during a warm-weather journey returning to England at the V&A, hoping that perhaps he could provide clarity.

I didn't know exactly what I was looking for when I walked into the display - possibly I anticipated that by immersing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, encounter a hint about my personal self.

Before long I was positioned before a compact monitor where the film clip for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the front, looking polished in a charcoal outfit, while to the side three backing singers wearing women's clothing clustered near a microphone.

Differing from the drag queens I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals weren't sashaying around the stage with the self-assurance of born divas; conversely they looked bored and annoyed. Positioned as supporting acts, they had gum in their mouths and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, seemingly unaware to their diminished energy. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the accompanying performers, with their pronounced make-up, uncomfortable wigs and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as ill-at-ease as I did in female clothing - frustrated and eager, as if they were longing for it all to conclude. Precisely when I understood I connected with three men dressed in drag, one of them tore off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Surprise. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I became completely convinced that I aimed to shed all constraints and transform like Bowie. I desired his narrow hips and his defined hairstyle, his strong features and his male chest; I wanted to embody the slender-shaped, Bowie's German period. And yet I couldn't, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Coming out as gay was a separate matter, but gender transition was a significantly scarier prospect.

I required further time before I was prepared. During that period, I made every effort to embrace manhood: I ceased using cosmetics and eliminated all my skirts and dresses, cut off my hair and commenced using male attire.

I changed my seating posture, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the possibility of rejection and second thoughts had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

Once the David Bowie display completed its global journey with a engagement in New York City, following that period, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the familiar clip in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a feminine man who'd been presenting artificially throughout his existence. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and now I realized that I was able to.

I made arrangements to see a medical professional shortly afterwards. It took another few years before my transformation concluded, but not a single concern I anticipated occurred.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to experiment with identity like Bowie did - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.